The Funny Thing About...

Roots.
Sense of Place.
Weather.
Homesickness.
Lady-emotions.
Identity.

On January 1, it was 80 degrees here: a record.
On January 2, it was 77 degrees here. I cried.

Why? Because, it was the SECOND DAY of JANUARY! January 2nd is supposed to be COLD. At least where I am from. You are not supposed to be wanting to wear short sleeves, sunglasses because it's so incredibly sunny - and you are definitely not supposed to be loathing the presence of said sun and warmth.

But I was.

Because right now, the hardest part of living in Tucson, Arizona is that it is not Iowa - or the upper Midwest. Everything about it is not Iowa...not home...not familiar. All I wanted on January 2nd was a reminder of the familiar.

I do not handle change and unknowns and beginnings very well.

On December 31st, I was LOVING the fact that I could swing out on my hammock in shirt sleeves. I was grateful for the path that God had brought me on during the crazy, intense year of 2011. I could look back with such a grateful heart.

One thing that I have learned about myself through this past year is that I am not very good about being in the present. In the present, I am incredibly reactionary. In reflection, I can see the lesson, recognize the proper response, recognize God's grace in the moment, and be thankful, peaceful, expectant for the future.

Apparently, the difference in those two days - the change to a new year - had quite the emotional effect. A new year brings an entire year full of unknowns. My naturally worried heart wonders how  IF God will show up; what new things will come about; if it will be as hard as the past year; if it will be harder. (And I hate a brand new calendar full of open dates; it's so unpredictable.) My natural heart is anxious, fearful, wondering...doubtful.

Even though God brought me through 2011 and I can rationally recognize His faithfulness, I don't think I've believed it all to be good. I don't think I trust God's goodness for me. I don't think I believe God that being here is good for me. It's not home; I'm not surrounded by familiarity. I miss the familiar and predictable.

It's so easy to identify ourselves by place. I love being from the Midwest. I love everything that it stands for. I want to raise my family there. It's easy; it's familiar; it's routine. It's easy.

Easy is not always best. Full schedules do not equal full lives. I desire to control, strength, safety, comfort, ease. Being empty means that I could be open to whatever God has planned for my day; not what I have over-committed myself to that day. However, it requires vulnerability, openness and willingness. It requires that I TRUST and BELIEVE in the GOODNESS of GOD and His LOVING intentions for not just my life - but for all - and that He desires to involve me in His intentional plan to love, do good, and show mercy to others.

2012. Five days in and you're already challenging me to embrace my loving Savior. I guess that's why they I say, "Delve into Twelve!"