I'll be here for you

Friday morning, I had a weird experience. Prior to my morning shower, I moved my (big - one of the liter sizes) bottle of shampoo from the back left corner of the tub to the front right corner so it was next to the conditioner and body wash. During my shower, after squirting the shampoo into my hands, while lathering up, I thought, "Hmm. I don't know if I like that there. I should move that back..." and proceeded to then get caught up in other thoughts all together taking me to different lands.

I turned around to rinse, opened my eyes - and saw the bottle of shampoo returned to the back left corner where it had been sitting - prior to me moving it that morning.

What? Did I do that? ...how could I have done that? My hands were busy the whole time...

Huh.

Weird.

It reminded me of a moment this spring when I'd used the last of the toilet paper on the roll. I took the empty roll off, and thought, "Eh, I'll do that in the morning. I'm going to bed now," and put the metal thing back in its place.

When I woke up the next morning and walked into the bathroom, there was a new roll of toilet paper in its place.

What? Did I do that? ...do I sleep-walk now? ...I don't think so.... I don't usually get up in the night to use the bathroom - and when I do it is a full-wake up process.


Thursday night, I'd had a conversation with a student about "mysterious occurrences" and a talk she'd just listened to about a nun who'd recently died and the order started to experience some "strange behavior" - i.e. the candles being blown out at the same moment in Mass every time. A priest recommended they commit to praying for her for 30 days. On the 30th day, the candles went out again - but this time at the giving of the Peace...signalling her spirit was now at peace.

So, Friday's occurrence made me wonder: have I not been praying enough for Dan? I thought that I'd received my confirmation that Dan was, in fact, at peace with our Lord.

So, this morning, I offered up my Mass for Dan, for his peace, to be fully united with Jesus.

Now, it seems worthwhile to mention that while in Ireland, I had such a strong sense of Dan. I was receiving his gift of a song in my heart, and I just felt very much like he was leading me - and leading me on to someplace new...into a place of embracing more of me...of a future... But upon returning, I haven't sensed him like that. So, the last two months in that regard have been quiet of his presence, but quite full of life.

I settled in to listen to the readings:

Reading 1IS 55:6-9

Seek the LORD while he may be found,
call him while he is near.
Let the scoundrel forsake his way,
and the wicked his thoughts;
let him turn to the LORD for mercy;
to our God, who is generous in forgiving.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD.
As high as the heavens are above the earth,
so high are my ways above your ways
and my thoughts above your thoughts.

Responsorial PsalmPS 145:2-3, 8-9, 17-18

R. (18a) The Lord is near to all who call upon him.
Every day will I bless you,
and I will praise your name forever and ever.
Great is the LORD and highly to be praised;
his greatness is unsearchable.
R. The Lord is near to all who call upon him.
The LORD is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and of great kindness.
The LORD is good to all
and compassionate toward all his works.
R. The Lord is near to all who call upon him.
The LORD is just in all his ways
and holy in all his works.
The LORD is near to all who call upon him,
to all who call upon him in truth.
R. The Lord is near to all who call upon him.

Reading 2PHIL 1:20C-24, 27A

Brothers and sisters:
Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. 
For to me life is Christ, and death is gain. 
If I go on living in the flesh,
that means fruitful labor for me. 
And I do not know which I shall choose. 
I am caught between the two. 
I long to depart this life and be with Christ,
for that is far better. 
Yet that I remain in the flesh
is more necessary for your benefit.

Only, conduct yourselves in a way worthy of the gospel of Christ.

I remain...for you.

It is better for you that I am here, Jessica.

Pray. Hope. Do not worry. (St. Padre Pio): reflect upon this was my penance this morning.
Do not trouble yourself with the why, Jessica. Only know that I am here for you. ...I was moved to tears.

Today's Gospel reading focuses on the generous love of God displayed in Christ Jesus. The generous, unmerited - based on no works or no amount of effort - love - and God's right to shower it freely on everyone based on His right as God...and our only work is to receive with an open heart.

During the Our Father, the high school boy next to me did not hold my hand. Holding hands during Mass, especially during the Eucharistic Prayer portion was one of my favorite things to do with Dan. Sometimes, during the Our Father, my open hand will feel a bit heavy - like Dan is holding my hand.
Immediately today, I felt Dan's presence. The presence of love spoke right to my heart, I am here for you. Inaudibly, I prayed the Lord's Prayer; my heart completely overwhelmed with the love of God.

I am here for you.
..
Those words instinctively evoke our wedding song, "I'll be Here for you", written by Robert Earl Keen. The beautiful, aching lyrics - that seemed to me melacholic for a wedding, but somehow accurate for life when we married - reaching fulfillment in our life together.

I'll be the light to guide your way onto same place new... 'Cause better days will come again; clouds will break, your heart will mend. ...I'll be where I've always been, I'll be here for you.  

The truth that God was leading me to this Mass I'll detail in another post. But know, that this experience with Dan was helping to prepare for me what he is asking me, to accept one of the hardest teachings of this faith - this life: unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it bears no fruit. All those hopes and dreams, the desires that I have longed for since childhood, I must not simply take them to the Cross; I must put them on the Cross. I must let them go and die...accepting that the generous love of God for me is exactly enough in this moment. He may choose to resurrect them - and He may not...and I must accept that this is love. ...and LOVE is generous and enough- and Jesus, who is the embodiment of love, is enough for me...and can fill every area in the way He lovingly, generously chooses. ...and it will be good.


I only need to look. Look at the story of us. Perfectly imperfect. Extraordinarily ordinary. Ethereally earthly. Terrestrially transcendent.

Buoyed by Hope. To remind me of His great, immense, all-encompassing love for me, he allowed Dan to press into that veil - and to remind me that he (Dan) is here. and, He (Jesus) is here. Here. Right in middle of where you are. where I am. ...and generously holding out the invitation that today, we can take His hand and He will lead us onward.



Onward and Upward!
(as F.C. Parrish, Jr., my friend & mentor, would close every class)

A-ha Moment of the Week

In my professional development class, we learn about Strengths - Gallup Strengths to be specific. Students complete the student version of StrengthsFinder, a guest speaker comes* and helps us process the meaning of our strengths and what that looks like in action...how strengths can be utilized in the workplace/learning environment...and how strengths impact the type of work we choose do, and who we want to work for.

[*a guest speaker because I'm not currently a Strengths coach. Emphasis on currently...come December, I'm planning to spend 4 days in Boston completing the training! ...and if you know me at all, you know I am SUPER excited about it!]

If you know me at all, I am right there alongside students discovering new insights about my Strengths. I LOVE this part of class. LOVE it. Hands-down my favorite part - because I love connections.

The past two weeks, I've had a great time learning from Bridgette Voisinet, Director of Organizational Development for NorthStar, as she led us through the Strengths exercises. She shared an aspect of Strengths that I hadn't been exposed to before: the domains. ...and let me tell you what, it was the biggest A-HA moment of the week!

 All 34 themes arranged by domain type.

I'm curious to know your thoughts...where do you think my Strengths lie?

I've taken this assessment 3 times, once 10 years ago and twice in the past year (though I can't find one of my results). Typically, results don't change much - except in the event of a MAJOR life change. So, my strengths from the last 5 years: Ideation, Individualization, Adaptability, Positivity, WOO; Adaptability, Connectedness, Strategic, Input, Responsibility.

...and where do those Strengths fall?

 RELATIONSHIP BUILDING & STRATEGIC THINKING.

See which one is least? Executing...which is why getting into action is my biggest challenge. Why implementing a plan happens with great effort. Why I felt last week like my life just spins its wheels without making forward progress....

I NEED OTHER PEOPLE TO MAKE IDEAS A REALITY.

I need Executors to make the plan happen, and I need Influencers to advocate for/support my idea. 

...also, is it any wonder how I ended up in my line of work? ...or the type of work that I long to do? 
...no...no it is not.


Also, I have just loved this week sitting in an appointment with each of my students and helping them put into words how their strengths connect with each other - identify why that is significant to an employer - and just gain insight into them. Again, knowing my strengths - of course, I love that. There is just something so powerful in being to identify WHO YOU ARE - and hearing someone else say THAT IT MATTERS.

YOU. MATTER.
 

Ireland: Days 3 and 4

Maybe you've wondered why I haven't been blogging for awhile. Well, we're 4 weeks into the school year, so my brain is a bit on auto-pilot. But, also - I've been hung up on wanting to finish documenting my Ireland trip - but, for some reason I've been hung up on Day 4. Thankfully, the iPhone makes really cool compilation videos of your pictures. Without further ado:

This video is "Day 3" also known as July 18.

Day 4, July 19 -

We drove into the beautiful Ring of Kerry,
we went round, round, round -
and Dan's driving, it was scary.
and it turns, turns, turns
the Ring of Kerry...
the Ring of Kerry. 

 The highlights of that day:

I didn't write anything of consequence that day. I can still see it vividly, but as for feelings - as for words...nothing. But, I feel like it was a turning point day.

I didn't write anything because I was busy living. I was consumed with the present. Soaking up the sun - golden on the coast, light illuminating the grass on the hillsides and bringing forth an incandescence.
the purple.
the wind.
the light.

Not pictured:
the laughter of four friends taxiing in and out of Killarney.
the hilarity that never stopped...
the white Laurence Fishbourne and the "randy" American,
the surprise spotting of Nigel on a night off - and his sudden disappearance,
learning the true lesson of "Mind yourself," when narrowly escaping (getting hit by) a coach

Giving Thanks...

We are reaching the point in the semester where it's starting to feel like there are too many balls in the air. Too many demands on my time. Too many directions to go - and everything needing attention RIGHT NOW.

These are the times when, even in the midst of such busyness, my mind goes into overtime, wondering, "Are you really doing the essential thing? Are you trading great for good by being pulled in so many directions? Are you even making any forward progress in your life, or are you just whirling about in circles - moving but not advancing?"

For me, what then happens is that I do two things: compare and question. I get jealous of those whom I view as being really good at the essential: who seem to just exude purpose and peace - they know what they are about and they are pursuing that single-mindedly and whole-heartedly. They aren't whirring about in circles. They are just doing that one thing and killing it.

What then happens in my heart is a restlessness. Am I in the right place? Am I saying yes too much? What is my essential? What am I about? What do I want most?

I could very easily put that into words yesterday: purpose and love. When I say purpose, what I really mean is direction and focus. For me, this is deeply connected to love. I have a very deep heart, but a wide skill set. I used to tell Dan that I can go anywhere and do anything; it was perfect for him who had a very specific work focus.

...so what now? This may be my biggest internal question. What do I do with my skill set? My heart? What am I made for? Who am I made for?

I am not completely lacking in purpose, of course. Or direction. Or focus. Or love. I do know the One who is Love himself; who is Life; who is the Way. I know that.

This morning's edition of Jesus Calling was perfect for me. Reminding me that the Lord inhabits the praise of his people - and how do we get to praise, but through gratitude? There is a lot of uncertainty in my world. Yes. But, there are so many people that I am thankful for. So, I spent time this morning reconnecting with my God through thanksgiving. Expressing thankfulness even in the midst of uncertainty builds trust and brings a deep peace.

The set of verses from Romans has a very special meaning for me. When I was fresh out of college, I was very disheartened. I felt forsaken by God: how was I 23 and single? I was supposed to be married. I was supposed to be following in my mom's footsteps. How was this an ideal life? How was this fair? How was this good? How was this loving?

So, I asked God. ...and through a few weeks, he showed me the end of myself...my humanity...my smallness...my inability to save myself. In recognizing my smallness, at this point of humility, I began to realize that He is God and I am not. So, who am I to dictate to the Creator what I am to be? Who am I to say that where I am is not where I am meant to be? If I trust that God is loving, then I am here through love, for love, in love. I am not left alone.

How do we get to the place where we can surrender in trust to this Love? Gratitude. Specifically stating all that you are thankful for - even when you might be struggling with fear of the unknown. "I am thankful for this, even if it doesn't turn out like I want. I am thankful for this person and for this gift they have given me in this moment. I am thankful that you provided the opportunity to know them."

So, Miss Jessica: purpose and love. This is exactly what you were made for - and if you want to find, you know Who you need to seek. ...Adoration seems to be in order.

Remember...Reflect...Respond

September 11.

The day Americans proudly proclaim, "NEVER FORGET!"
We share a Facebook post.
We post a status or respond to another's about where we were.
...and then we move on.

As a person shaped by great loss, there's something about the phrase, "Never forget," that bothers me. I see people use it when they give a shout-out to a loved one who has passed away, proclaiming that they will never forget. ...and there's part of that saying that feels false to me - because in the living of life, we do forget. We do live our lives without consciously remembering events that shaped us. I am not suggesting that we haven't been changed, but I think there is more power in remembering than posturing we've never forgotten.

To remember suggests that we are circling back to this moment in time, and we are once again, giving it space in our life to shape us.

Seven years ago, the day after the tenth anniversary of 9/11, I wrote this blog about responding to the remembrance.

Do I remember where I was? Sure, because I've written it down and Facebook reminds me of previous posts where I've detailed it. Where I was, though, when I learned of a plane flying into one of the Twin Towers is not nearly as important as the response.

It was the strangest day.

I tuned into the radio on a Tuesday morning - a golden, first-of-fall morning.
Oh my God, came in a horrified whisper from the commander of Camp Dodge.
I turned into the parking lot to board my bus to campus.
What? What was happening? The South Tower? What?

In the air of confusion, I boarded the bus.
No one said a word. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
I walked into my classroom; no one knew what was happening - but a few knew something did.
My teacher carried on with class as normal.

It seems impossible now to imagine something went on as normal.
But now that I'm a college professor, I get it. That time before class (and this was a 9am) - we are in our own little world. It's rush-rush-rush to be ready (at least for me)...news? In the morning? What am I, Dan Kiesling? 

At the next class, Ballroom Dance, the situation became clearer.
I thought we danced. My friend from that class thought we watched coverage on a TV cart.
I do remember that after, I walked in a bewildered daze to the Memorial Union -
coverage displayed on a big screen... I was seeking clarity,
but there was no clarity to be found in the moment. Too many pieces.
Literally.
Too many pieces to bring the puzzle into focus...
and at that time, we were okay with that. America hadn't yet demanded insta-answers. The competition for ratings and scooping and reporting half-a-story hadn't permeated the media 

In reflecting now, what I remember most was the brightness of the September sun.
How can it be so gorgeous when such a horrific event has happened?
How can time stand so still here when such chaos is reigning in others?

How?
I know now the answer is it just does.

We ask where were you?
But I think we should ask, how did you respond? What do remember about the days after? 

In the bright, eerie stillness of a Tuesday afternoon, I rode the bus back to my apartment.
I sat down at my desk, and I spent hours immersed into a study, Woman of Purpose.
 How do you respond to the daze of uncertainty? I plugged into the Divine Consciousness.

That time immediately after, what do you remember?
I saved so many newspaper articles as we learned more - thinking future generations will need this.
I didn't realize that in the course of 16 years, we'd consider them obsolete news sources.
I remember feeling uncertain, but also profound peace.
I remember people praying, working, seeking, gathering, searching for answers...
a humility of heart present in each of us, unifying the nation, 
when "Where you when the world stopped turning?" captured each of us.

That time of softness - I think of it now with wonder.
We stopped. 
We considered ourselves, our place in this world.

The response as diverse and as divided as America:
Scared.
Galvanized.
Resolved.
Questioned.
Enlisted.
Protested.
Prayed.


Sixteen years have passed, and I wonder where you are today. 
...where I am...in my response.


When we read in the Old Testament, we find not a call to "never forget," but a plea to remember.
The act of remembering causes us to reflect - and reflection then leads to a response. God asks his people to remember, so that they respond in relationship anew.

what would we be like if we remembered that humility of heart?
how would we respond
to each other,
to those who disagree,
to our neighbor,
to our enemy.

Would I be jaded? Would I ignore? Would I walk on by, diverting my eyes?
Would I act?
Would I give?
Would I speak?