Giving Thanks...

We are reaching the point in the semester where it's starting to feel like there are too many balls in the air. Too many demands on my time. Too many directions to go - and everything needing attention RIGHT NOW.

These are the times when, even in the midst of such busyness, my mind goes into overtime, wondering, "Are you really doing the essential thing? Are you trading great for good by being pulled in so many directions? Are you even making any forward progress in your life, or are you just whirling about in circles - moving but not advancing?"

For me, what then happens is that I do two things: compare and question. I get jealous of those whom I view as being really good at the essential: who seem to just exude purpose and peace - they know what they are about and they are pursuing that single-mindedly and whole-heartedly. They aren't whirring about in circles. They are just doing that one thing and killing it.

What then happens in my heart is a restlessness. Am I in the right place? Am I saying yes too much? What is my essential? What am I about? What do I want most?

I could very easily put that into words yesterday: purpose and love. When I say purpose, what I really mean is direction and focus. For me, this is deeply connected to love. I have a very deep heart, but a wide skill set. I used to tell Dan that I can go anywhere and do anything; it was perfect for him who had a very specific work focus.

...so what now? This may be my biggest internal question. What do I do with my skill set? My heart? What am I made for? Who am I made for?

I am not completely lacking in purpose, of course. Or direction. Or focus. Or love. I do know the One who is Love himself; who is Life; who is the Way. I know that.

This morning's edition of Jesus Calling was perfect for me. Reminding me that the Lord inhabits the praise of his people - and how do we get to praise, but through gratitude? There is a lot of uncertainty in my world. Yes. But, there are so many people that I am thankful for. So, I spent time this morning reconnecting with my God through thanksgiving. Expressing thankfulness even in the midst of uncertainty builds trust and brings a deep peace.

The set of verses from Romans has a very special meaning for me. When I was fresh out of college, I was very disheartened. I felt forsaken by God: how was I 23 and single? I was supposed to be married. I was supposed to be following in my mom's footsteps. How was this an ideal life? How was this fair? How was this good? How was this loving?

So, I asked God. ...and through a few weeks, he showed me the end of myself...my humanity...my smallness...my inability to save myself. In recognizing my smallness, at this point of humility, I began to realize that He is God and I am not. So, who am I to dictate to the Creator what I am to be? Who am I to say that where I am is not where I am meant to be? If I trust that God is loving, then I am here through love, for love, in love. I am not left alone.

How do we get to the place where we can surrender in trust to this Love? Gratitude. Specifically stating all that you are thankful for - even when you might be struggling with fear of the unknown. "I am thankful for this, even if it doesn't turn out like I want. I am thankful for this person and for this gift they have given me in this moment. I am thankful that you provided the opportunity to know them."

So, Miss Jessica: purpose and love. This is exactly what you were made for - and if you want to find, you know Who you need to seek. ...Adoration seems to be in order.