Meet me tonight in the moonlight
Meet me tonight all alone
I have a sad story to tell you
I'm telling it under the moon,
Well I wish I had someone to love me
Someone to call me her own
Someone to sleep with me nightly
I’m weary of sleeping alone
Those lines reminded me of an image a friend shared looking out over Dun Laoghaire:
But, that song - it is so achingly sad - that I almost can't bear thinking about the image.
...and then, this morning, while reading those Facebook memories, I realized what day it was: October 6.
October 6, 2008.
The day Dan and I broke up.
Immediately, I was back in that place. Back as a 28-year-old feeling the aching crush of hopes dashed wondering, "when?" When will someone ever love me?
Our relationship up to that point was going out on dates to get to know each other. We met April 29, and Dan asked me out that evening. Our first date (dessert) would have been May 3. So, by October, I mean we probably should have been figuring out what we're doing here. We went out on a date every couple of weeks or so. We talked on the phone some.... but, what were we doing? There was so much ambiguity. I wasn't really even sure if he liked me.
At this point, it just felt to me like we were at an impasse. It seemed like there was something separating us...but, I couldn't quite articulate what. The weekend prior, at a retreat, the speaker asked if there was anything in our heart/lives that was keeping us from God - and I knew that mine was Dan. ...but, like not Dan himself - the idea of Dan: the relationship.
I was a 28-year-old woman whose major life goal was to be married and be a mom. Sure, I had experienced some success in my career - but that had never been my priority. My priority...my benchmark for "life success" was to be in a loving, committed relationship: marriage, and raising the fruits of our love. ...and I was a 28-year-old woman who had been in ONE sort-of serious-ish relationship since college. ...and somehow managed to go out on a first date or two about once a year.
And then came Dan. Dan: the first person to EVER ask me out as soon as he met me. The first person that I had gone out an a first date with where I wanted a second date - ever. (the person I'd been in a relationship with before we'd been friends for YEARS before deciding to be in a relationship, and so, I don't even think there was a date. weird.) I loved talking to Dan. I enjoyed getting to know him. ...but, I kind of got this vibe that he didn't really know where to put me...friend zone? girlfriend?
...and I realized that I was also at an impasse. I wanted him to like me more than I wanted to be honest with him. ...I don't know how to say this exactly - but I was afraid of being rejected by him (because I so desperately wanted a relationship - to move forward with my life) - so I was afraid to be my whole self - to reveal my whole heart to him.
So, there we were on October 6, sitting in my friend's living room, realizing we were at an impasse.
I knew he came over that night to break up with me (the Holy Spirit intuited it to me - so I had prepared my heart). When he finally got around to saying that he didn't think we should date anymore, I nodded. ...and then my entire mind went blank.
We stared at each other for awhile, as I waited for something to come into my mind to say.
What are you afraid of?
"What are you afraid of?" God, why would I say that? I don't even know what that means. What are you afraid of? Like...with us? in general? I don't get it. I can't ask him a question that I don't even understand myself. that's, like, super weird. Come on, God. don't make me ask this."
...and still nothing in my head except: What are you afraid of?
Finally, Dan (perhaps a little exasperated) said, "Do you have anything to say?"
So, I finally relented and said, "I guess. Um...what are you afraid of?"
He looked at me, "What am I afraid of? Like....?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't even know; ...I just feel like God wants me to ask you that question."
"Like in life? or with us?"
"Both?"
...and then, it was like the floodgates opened and the impasse was decimated from the rush of the water.
Dan shared that he was afraid of disappointing his family, of not living up to expectations - feeling this weight to be something - to be successful. ...and with me, he just didn't feel like he was the right person for me - that he was enough for me.
And, finally, I said (exasperated), "I've just been waiting for you to figure out how amazing I am!"
He sat up straighter and looked at me and said, "You are amazing. ...and you deserve to be with someone who can love you."
...and I think that is when I started to cry. To be seen, to be known, to be loved for who you are (and who you want to be) - that is the greatest gift. That is what my heart had been yearning to find in another. ...and here was this guy - who was both articulating what I wanted to hear, and at the same time refusing to be the one.
...and I started to cry, too, because, though I never would have acknowledged it, I loved him. Not like you LOVE the person you're going to marry, but...the fresh kind, the new kind of love where you realize that you genuinely LIKE this person: who they are and the life that they bring to your life - and you want to be around that person just for those reasons (and a billion more)...
He looked at me, "Why are you crying?"
"Because I genuinely liked being your friend. ...and I will miss you...I will really miss you."
"We can't be friends?"
I shook my head. "That doesn't work. I just don't know how I would do that."
You see, Dan had been friends with every (save but one) girl he'd dated. I'd dated one other person - and it had been impossible for us to remain friends.
We parted ways that night - not knowing what the future would hold. I remember lying in my bed that night as a train rumbled past, praying, "God, if it's your will, please bring him back. Please, please bring him back."
The next day, I lamented to my dad, "Dad, I just wish someone would love me!"
(emphasis on every word in that sentence) :)
He replied, "If that's what you heard, then you weren't listening. He didn't say that he didn't love you; he said that he didn't think he could. ...and he told you before you were too invested - that is actually a very loving thing to do. He could've just dated you for a year - and then broke up with you. Or worse, married you."
I thought about those words all day as I nursed my broken heart. That night, I spent time thanking God for Dan. He might not have been the one, but he showed me that I was desirable enough to ask out right away; that there are men who still do that; someone who actually recognized my value...and if God could do that once, He could do it again.
...and now, here it is: October 6, 2017.
nine years later...and my heart feels so much like it's in that same place again.
My heart, this deep trove of feeling...bursting with treasured memories, and longing for hopes of a future...I look at this picture, and I swear I am there, and I feel every ounce of this song:
I am standing on the edge of this pier, staring at the expanse between us, and feeling every bit separated from the bustle of Dublin. Just the moon and me.
Meet me tonight in the moonlight
Meet me tonight all alone
I have a sad story to tell you
I'm telling it under the moon,
Well I wish I had someone to love me
Someone to call me their own
Someone to stay with me always
I’m weary of being alone
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