Searching for my heart's love

Today, I am sharing with you one of the most significant moments of my pilgrimage to Ireland. This was the Saturday of our trip; our second-to-last day in the Emerald Isle. Our pilgrimage included daily Mass, and the members of the pilgrimage took turns sharing the duties of reader. I read the first day (Sunday)...and was asked to read prior to Saturday's Mass. Nearly every other day, I read the readings ahead of time - so that I'd be ready, just in case. I didn't on this day. If I had, I probably would've said no. :) 

...without further ado, my story:

7/22/17

Today, I read.

I'm not in prison; just reading behind the bars separating the chapel from the Benedictine sisters.

It was a very hard reading, especially given the dream I had the night before I left for Ireland. In a soap-opera-like turn of events, Dan had been discovered as not dead, but I'd believed that he was - and had been in the process of "living my life" - when this announcement was made. So, I went to where he was (this strange hospital/school) - but I couldn't get to him. I could hear him, but I couldn't ever get to where he actually was. It was very upsetting.

Today's reading was from the Feast of Mary Magdalene:

A reading from the Song of Songs 3:1-4b: 

The Bride says:
on my bed at night, I sought him whom my heart loves;
I sought him, but I did not find him.
I will rise then and go about the city;
in the streets and crossings I will seek
Him whom my heart loves.
I sought him but I did not find him.
The watchmen came upon me, as they made their rounds of the city:
"Have you seen him whom my heart loves?"
I had hardly left them
when I found him whom my heart loves.

I feel like I have a choice of two things to write about: the deep sorrow in my soul ... or the fact that only in the heart of Jesus do I have any solace or hope of comfort. Our Mass today was said in a Benedictine Priory dedicated to the Perpetual Adoration of the Sacred of Heart of Jesus (Cobh, Ireland).

The Gospel reading was Jesus appearing to Mary Magdalene after his resurrection. "Don't cling to me, for I have yet to return to my Father; but, go - and tell my disciples to go on ahead of me - to wait and to pray till I come to them."

Father said Mary, devastated by the loss of the One who had restored her to wholeness, was probably rejoicing that things would be back as they were. As she embraces Jesus, he seems to know that her heart longs for the way things were - and yet, "Behold, He is making all things new." Always.
(it's not a one-and-done, but a constant converstion to the newness.)

So, he gently tells her. He speaks to her heart - and then sends her out with the gospel - "Behold, you (even you) will be my witnesses to the ends of the earth." Go - tell my brothers what you have seen and heard and touched. Go.

So, Mary does.

She does exactly the opposite of Moses (whom we've been hearing about all week). She doesn't question, "Who am I to go?" Mary Magdalene has been transformed by love - and she knows the One who has made her new. She knows she is loved, and she loves him in return.

She doesn't question, "What will I say? Who will I tell them who sent me?" Jesus tells her exactly waht to say and to whom to go. She knows the One who sent her - and she trusts him because He has loved her in a way no one ever has.

I had a moment last night where I think God came to me... I had this vision brighter than I'd ever seen - my eyes were closed, and these images of green and gold - like sunlight through trees - brighter than anything I'd ever seen, passed before me - and I felt like I was in the presence of holiness.

I just wanted to stay in that place; bask in that presence...but I felt prompted to ask for what I wanted.
But I had no idea what to ask for.
I had no idea what my heart wants most.
I didn't fell like I could ask for it - instead just a "I don't know; what do you want for me?
What will you do for me? Do you want me to hope for the things I have before? for motherhood, for marriage? Will you do that for me?"

...and then it was dark and I felt like I'd lost it - like maybe I don't really know His heart for me.


After Mass, three different people told me that the face that I read this particular reading is a sign. But a sign of what? I don't know.

Have I found the One whom my heart loves?

I feel like I'm a "yabbit" here. Yes...but.

Yes, in an amazing, miraculous way I have found more of Jesus in my heartbreak. I am in love with him more now than I was with Dan here. I have a much stronger, more profound, deep knowledge that I am loved - and I trust his heart more for me now than when Dan lived.

I do. I love Jesus more now than a year ago - and I want to love him more. I want more of him. I am no longer afraid of the Holy Spirit living in me - I want that. I want more of Him. More. More. MORE.

But, I still want to love a person. I want to be married. I want a family. I still want those things. I do.

The hardest part of grief is feeling you straddle two worlds. Two lives.
One that feels broken, desolate, a promise dashed.
One that hopes breathes, that lives, that laughs.

Two hearts.

Like today's words: Don't. Go.

I don't know how to live in two worlds. I don't know what my "don't" is...but my soul clings to Hope. My heart has been buoyed by Hope - and my Hope has a name: Jesus.

A view from the backside of the Priory

Now that it's been over 6 months since I penned these words, I see how the Holy Spirit has continued gently leading me through this process of voicing my heart. I can't speak for all Christians, but for me, I have often felt a need for permission to want what I want. Like, it is somehow holier to be all "whatever God, have your way" - when there are desires he's pressed upon us - when he wants to hear us articulate what is on our hearts.

Of course this doesn't mean that I dictate my will to God and expect him to "Magic 8-ball" my requests; but what I am invited to do is to share my hopes and dreams - and ask the One who has loved me with an everlasting love, who has created me, who knows me to have his way in me...while trusting that what he's laid on my heart is good - and that the One who calls me is faithful - and He will do it.

So, what's all that mean, anyway, Jessica? Gah, you've figured me out, self. You know how I like to couch my thoughts. 

What does it mean? Well, I want to be a mom, and I want to be married. I want to be part of a family; I want a family. I do. Those are still desires of my heart...and I want to trust God to provide for me, believing that He will...in His way and His time. It took me awhile to be brave enough to voice it. 

St. Mary Magdalene, pray for us.

I will rise

Today I'm sharing with you "My Moment" from my pilgrimage to Ireland this past summer. There is a lot on my heart as Dan's birthday approaches tomorrow. The last few days have been plagued by the heaviness of grief...and I have need to "hear" from Dan (but haven't). Reading this reminded me of the hope to which I cling...that hope which is a buoy to my soul.

My moment...at Mass today (7/20/17)

Today was the first time I saw Dan's resemblance in someone else.

Today during the Gospel reading, I looked up at Father David - and I saw Dan. His hairline, his nose, his eyes - his resemblance. Now, I've looked at Father for 4 days so far and not once seen him [Dan]...until today. ...and to have the first person you see resemble Dan be a priest? His "dream" job? ...how do you handle that?

My heart - overcome with grief...all I could see and think was how much I missed him. How much I love him...and I was so, so sad. And I cried. and my nose ran. And then, they came with the offering basket...and my purse completely spilled. And, I was so distracted from my grief that I laughed, and that was Dan.

During the Eucharistic Liturgy, I just felt so sad...all the tears. I remember feeling so sad looking out at the beauty behind the altar, wondering how I could long for heaven when my heart hurt so much here - when this pain feels so much more real...and I just invited the Holy Spirit to come, come.

Then I noticed a cow grazing at the foot of the cross. Honestly, it just made me feel sadder.
After receiving Jesus, as I prayed I looked back out at the cross and the sun was lighting up the field with the cattle, and I heard the song, "I Will Rise."

I will rise on eagle's wings, before my God fall on my knees - and rise...

No more sorrow, no more pain - I will rise. I will rise.

No more sorrow. No more pain.

In that moment, I knew. I knew that God was reassuring me Dan was in a far better place. There is a peace that he has come to know - his faith is now his eyes. He will rise.

Photo credit: Emily Holman

As Mass ended, I headed to the pasture to capture this beautiful scene and to worship.

There's a peace I've come to know though my heart and flesh may fail.

There's an anchor for my soul, I can say, "It is well."

Jesus has overcome, and the grave is overwhelmed. 

Victory is won - He is risen from the dead.

I will rise when He calls my name, 

No more sorrow; no more pain. 

I will rise on eagle's wings, 

Before my God fall on my knees - and rise, I will Rise.

There's a day that's drawing near when this darkness breaks to light; 

and the shadows disappear and my faith shall be my eyes.

And I hear the voice of many angels say, "Worthy is the Lamb!"

And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "Worthy is the Lamb!"

 

 

Ireland: Days 3 and 4

Maybe you've wondered why I haven't been blogging for awhile. Well, we're 4 weeks into the school year, so my brain is a bit on auto-pilot. But, also - I've been hung up on wanting to finish documenting my Ireland trip - but, for some reason I've been hung up on Day 4. Thankfully, the iPhone makes really cool compilation videos of your pictures. Without further ado:

This video is "Day 3" also known as July 18.

Day 4, July 19 -

We drove into the beautiful Ring of Kerry,
we went round, round, round -
and Dan's driving, it was scary.
and it turns, turns, turns
the Ring of Kerry...
the Ring of Kerry. 

 The highlights of that day:

I didn't write anything of consequence that day. I can still see it vividly, but as for feelings - as for words...nothing. But, I feel like it was a turning point day.

I didn't write anything because I was busy living. I was consumed with the present. Soaking up the sun - golden on the coast, light illuminating the grass on the hillsides and bringing forth an incandescence.
the purple.
the wind.
the light.

Not pictured:
the laughter of four friends taxiing in and out of Killarney.
the hilarity that never stopped...
the white Laurence Fishbourne and the "randy" American,
the surprise spotting of Nigel on a night off - and his sudden disappearance,
learning the true lesson of "Mind yourself," when narrowly escaping (getting hit by) a coach

Pilgrimage Reflection, Day 1: Danny Boy

7/17/17:



I don't know why I am so hesitant to embrace my sadness - but I find that when I choose it...when I let it come, I am peaceful. Last night at the castle dinner, I felt so sad - so melancholy - so pitiable. I just...was sad, but didn't want to cry so soon in my journey with these people; and so, I was trying to resist and to be jovial like everyone else...but I couldn't.

They didn't sing Danny Boy last night, and I was so glad. I just would've lost it. BUT, I sang it this morning in the shower, and find that I am so comforted in the sadness, in the words, the tune. They are a love letter, and though they be sad - true. Such love.

Photo Credit: D.J. Unger

 Oh Danny Boy, the pipes - the pipes are calling

From glen to glen and down the mountainside,

The summer's gone and all the flowers are dying,

'Tis you, 'tis you must go, and I must bide.

But come ye back when summer's in the meadow,

Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow;

I'll be here - in sunshine or shadow.

Oh Danny Boy, oh Danny Boy, I love you so.

But when ye come, and all the flow'rs are dying, 

and I am dead - as dead I well may be,

Then ye shall find the place where I am lying, 

Kneel and say an Ave there for me - 

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me,

And all my grave will warmer, sweeter be - 

 And you shall bend and tell me that you love me,

And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.

Oh Danny Boy,

 Oh Danny Boy,

I love you so.

My very favorite Celtic cross - which perfectly fits Dan's spirit and faith.

[Eventually, of course, Danny Boy was played. I think it was Day 3, as we headed around the Dingle Peninsula. Nigel played it, and as I knew, I began sobbing - like gasp-crying on the bus...but, then Nigel started talking right as they got to the "good" part (the italicized part above), so I never got a complete Danny Boy cry. =) 

When I came home from Ireland, the first place I visited was Dan's grave where I, indeed, knelt and said an Ave there for him.]

Oh Danny Boy, I love you so.

Pilgrimage to Ireland, Day 1

Our pilgrimage to Ireland began with a "Delta flight to Shannon-town on a day it didn't rain."
[Reference to Reckless Kelly's "Seven Nights in Eire," for those of you unfamiliar]

As I started out on the journey here, I knew no one. We met a few of our group at JFK, and I had supper with two delightful ladies, Dee and Lori - and then proceeded to the gate where we met a few more. As the night went on, our flight was oversold. They were looking for 12 people to give up their seats - and...if we weren't on a GROUP pilgrimage, I could have been tempted - the offering price went as high as $2000. 

We made it safely to Shannon, where we joined with Mountain, our fearless leader and a few other members of the group who traveled separately. Our first 2 nights were spent in Limerick. 

First on our agenda was visiting Bunratty Castle. Our flight had been delayed at least an hour, so our time at the castle was shorter than originally planned (setting the tone for the trip, really). 

Castle Ruins on our way to Limerick

 After touring the castle and grounds, we checked into our hotel in Limerick - where I met my roommate for the week, Lisa. Then, we headed to the Holy Family Cathedral for our first pilgrimage Mass. I was fortunate to be one of the readers. How fitting the readings for the first day of pilgrimage: may the love of God fall on fertile soil and multiply into the lives and world around us!

Fifteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

Reading 1 Isiah 55:10-11

Thus says the LORD:

Just as from the heavens the rain and snow come down
and do not return there till they have watered the earth,
making it fertile and fruitful,
giving seed to the one who sows
and bread to the one who eats,
so shall my word be
that goes forth from my mouth;
my word shall not return to me void,
but shall do my will,
achieving the end for which I sent it.

Responsorial Psalm Psalm 65:10, 11, 12-13, 14

R. (Lk 8:8) The seed that falls on good ground will yield a fruitful harvest.
You have visited the land and watered it;
greatly have you enriched it.
God's watercourses are filled;
you have prepared the grain.
R. The seed that falls on good ground will yield a fruitful harvest.
Thus have you prepared the land: drenching its furrows,
breaking up its clods,
Softening it with showers,
blessing its yield.
R. The seed that falls on good ground will yield a fruitful harvest.
You have crowned the year with your bounty,
and your paths overflow with a rich harvest;
The untilled meadows overflow with it,
and rejoicing clothes the hills.
R. The seed that falls on good ground will yield a fruitful harvest.
The fields are garmented with flocks
and the valleys blanketed with grain.
They shout and sing for joy.
R. The seed that falls on good ground will yield a fruitful harvest.
 

 

Reading 2 Romans 8:18-23

Brothers and sisters:
I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing
compared with the glory to be revealed for us.
For creation awaits with eager expectation
the revelation of the children of God;
for creation was made subject to futility,
not of its own accord but because of the one who subjected it,
in hope that creation itself
would be set free from slavery to corruption
and share in the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that all creation is groaning in labor pains even until now;
and not only that, but we ourselves,
who have the firstfruits of the Spirit,
we also groan within ourselves
as we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies.

Alleluia

R. Alleluia, alleluia.
The seed is the word of God, Christ is the sower.
All who come to him will have life forever.
R. Alleluia, alleluia.

Gospel Matthew 13:1-23
On that day, Jesus went out of the house and sat down by the sea.
Such large crowds gathered around him
that he got into a boat and sat down,
and the whole crowd stood along the shore.
And he spoke to them at length in parables, saying:
"A sower went out to sow.
And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path,
and birds came and ate it up.
Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil.
It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep,
and when the sun rose it was scorched,
and it withered for lack of roots.
Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it.
But some seed fell on rich soil, and produced fruit,
a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold.
Whoever has ears ought to hear."

The disciples approached him and said,
"Why do you speak to them in parables?"
He said to them in reply,
"Because knowledge of the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven
has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted.
To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich;
from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away.
This is why I speak to them in parables, because
they look but do not see and hear but do not listen or understand.
Isaiah's prophecy is fulfilled in them, which says:
You shall indeed hear but not understand,
you shall indeed look but never see.
Gross is the heart of this people,
they will hardly hear with their ears,
they have closed their eyes,
lest they see with their eyes
and hear with their ears
and understand with their hearts and be converted,
and I heal them.
"But blessed are your eyes, because they see,
and your ears, because they hear.
Amen, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people
longed to see what you see but did not see it,
and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.

"Hear then the parable of the sower.
The seed sown on the path is the one
who hears the word of the kingdom without understanding it,
and the evil one comes and steals away
what was sown in his heart.
The seed sown on rocky ground
is the one who hears the word and receives it at once with joy.
But he has no root and lasts only for a time.
When some tribulation or persecution comes because of the word,
he immediately falls away.
The seed sown among thorns is the one who hears the word,
but then worldly anxiety and the lure of riches choke the word
and it bears no fruit.
But the seed sown on rich soil
is the one who hears the word and understands it,
who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold."

A pilgrimage is when you go someplace else to return someone else.     ~Father David Koonce

And so, it began.

We returned to Limerick for a time to rest (advised by Nigel), but Lisa and I ignored Nigel to explore a bit of the area around our hotel. We got some Euros at the ATM; grabbed a quick bite and flat white at a cute grocery store, and explored the blocks around us. We walked to the river, observed some swans...and decided to return to a pub we'd passed for a quick drink and a listen at some live, traditional Irish music.

My drink of choice: Smithwicks Red - in a half pint! (not be confused with a ladies' pint...)

A pint of COORS LIGHT! A reminder of Dan....

 After this, we were back on the coach to Bunratty Castle for dinner. We enjoyed a glass of mead (honeyed wine) and a traditional Irish castle feast - complete with no utensils. :) We had several courses - bread, soup, spare ribs, roasted root vegetables, dessert, and coffee. During dinner, we were educated about what life would have been like when the castle was in its prime in the 12th-14th centuries. Then, we were treated to delightful acapella music with beautiful harmonies.

The Master of the House greeting some of our group

D.J, Sarah, and Lisa - some of my fellow pilgrims

 

I'm sure I was in the minority, but I was relieved when they didn't sing, "Danny Boy." This song was special to me prior to meeting Dan, but took on another layer of meaning once I met my own Irish Danny-boy. Tired from the journey coupled with heightened emotions, I wasn't quite ready to lose it front of these nice, but complete strangers. However, the noticed absence of the song did allow for Lisa (my roommate) and I to jump into the "here's the reality" discussion that night...

and so, it began.


 

Pilgrimage to Ireland: Pre-game

Now that I've caught you up on what was going on in my life prior to taking off for Ireland, I should probably catch you up on the story of how Ireland came about.

I have always wanted to go to Ireland, but until now haven't really had the opportunity to go. I first traveled abroad when I was 16, a 10-day trip to Italy and Greece with my art teacher, her husband and about twelve others (mostly from our high school) including my cousin. Even though Italy was first, Ireland has always been first in my heart.

Like SO.MANY Americans, I have roots in Ireland. My maternal grandmother is 100% Irish. I know a little bit about my Irish family roots - my family came from County Fermanaugh in northern Ireland, quite possibly as a result of the oppression of Catholics. Was that the attraction to Ireland? Sure, part of it. But really, I've just always felt like Ireland is part of me. After this past year, the past two years of trauma and pain and loss, I felt like somehow if I went to Ireland, I would find me. Find. Recover. Discover. ...but reconnect with ME.

After Dan passed away, I thought, "I want to travel. I want to use this gift from Dan to see the world. To go on a pilgrimage."

In late April, as I felt emptied by grief...I stumbled across a post on Facebook from The Catholic Traveler: "We have 2 spots left for the pilgrimage to Ireland!" I clicked the link and saw "8 days/nights in Ireland," the dates, the price, and thought, "I could do this!" I didn't say yes. The next day I was talking with a friend/mentor and he said, "Jessica. You need to go. You should go. Do it. They'll find a way to cover the last week of orientation. You will love it. You need to go."

So, I came home that night, emailed Mountain and said, "I'm in!"

And that was it. I WAS GOING TO IRELAND.

That was all that mattered.

I didn't look at pictures. I didn't look at where we were going, where we were staying, or care who I was going with. I WAS GOING TO IRELAND.

At New Year's this year, I chose "healing" as my word. I wanted to find a way to heal. So, traveling to Ireland, this place I have always felt a deep connection to, which was grounded in the faith with other Catholics and Mass EVERY DAY: sounds like healing to me. Having to make ZERO decisions while visiting the place I've always wanted to be? Sounds like healing to me.

and away we went.

Yes, I did eventually read through the details again. No, I never did read my Rick Steves' Guide to Ireland. Yes, I did initiate the "get to know you" conversation on our Facebook page because well, I'm me, and because I needed to assure my in-laws that I knew at least a little about the 20ish people I'd be spending 8-9 days with.

Just me in some crazy Lularoe leggings, posing on a rock

Did I freak out about what to pack wondering if what I would pack would be "enough"? Yes. Did I realize that part of the reason I was freaking out about these clothes was because I was wondering if I was actually enough? Because I was afraid of not being accepted? Because I thought the "right" clothes might help me be more acceptable? Yes. Yes I did. ...and then, the Holy Spirit gently reminded me of Matthew 6: the lilies of the field neither toil nor spin, yet they are clothed with more splendor than Solomon; God knows exactly what you need - seek first the kingdom of God, and everything you need will be given. 


Got it. Did I get everything packed into a carry-on? Yes. Did I have everything I needed? Yes. Did I receive FAR more than I ever expected? Oh yes. In the next few days, I'll catch you up on the details of the trip?

Panoramic view of The Burren