Monday, August 29, 2016

What grief is like

A couple of weeks ago, during my morning quiet/prayer time, God gave me a great picture of what grief is like.

That week in particular, I had just felt that nagging sadness hanging around. Sometimes, the sadness creeps up in the morning - a lot of times, it's just after lunch. Right after I've had a round of conversation and laughs with my friends...and this giant *sigh* rolls into my life. I didn't understand how I could go from one moment of enjoying life to one that is just...heavy. 

It's not a particular thought that triggers this heaviness; it's like I am suddenly aware of its presence.
"Hi. I've been around all day. You should feel sad. You should feel empty. You should feel tired."

Sometimes, I fight it, but I try to just feel it. I might close my door and cry; or go for a walk and cry - or do something and cry. Crying helps.

I like to understand my feelings. (that's one of the reasons this blog is basically about feelings. I'm sorry I'm not a better documentarian. I do fun stuff, too. Really.) So, on a Thursday morning while I was praying the Rosary (which has been an amazing comfort), on what had been a clear morning - I opened up my eyes and saw this:


A fog, out of the blue, just started to roll in. By the time I was finished (which is about 25-30 minutes) - there was this:

By the time I left for work, there was a dense fog covering everything.

And I just thought, "Yep. That is what grief is like." I have moments of such clarity. Profound clarity - purpose and peace. Moments of joy. ...and then, just moments of grey. Where the joy of a moment ago has been clouded over with heaviness.

I did a search for "fog" in the Bible - and there are no references. There are, however, quite a few for clouds. I thought these verse from Psalm 18:9-19 are most appropriate. If anything...grieving is one the most profound opportunities for us to turn to God and truly discover how near He is to us - how closely He desires to be to us - nearer than a brother. Seek Him while He may yet be found. He wants to fight for you.

He parted the heavens and came down;
    dark clouds were under his feet.

10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
    he soared on the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
    the dark rain clouds of the sky.

12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
    with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
13 The Lord thundered from heaven;
    the voice of the Most High resounded.[d]
14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
    with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
    and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, Lord,
    at the blast of breath from your nostrils.
16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me.

4 comments:

PJ Colando said...

A God of great purpose: He fights so we can just be...close to Him, as preferred.

I know of no greater purpose for you than to prose us the path...for now anyway.

He knows more, but not me.

I just feel blessed to follow along haplessly, to know you as a "Life as a Miracle" partner.

Thanks, J

Have a great day

Mona said...

Your words are filled with hope and beauty. I wish I could come and sit and listen to you.

Amy Kies Bautista said...

Reading your feelings brings much clarity especially when we lost Arianna. Not to take away from your beautiful message but to thank you for putting it into words. It's been 9 years and yet there are days of heaviness and emptiness and yes it does take a breath out of my step a moment of sadness. Just know that God's loving embrace is all around you. Seek and you shall. ...knock and the door shall be opened ...
Love you cousin

Amy Kies Bautista said...

Reading your feelings brings much clarity especially when we lost Arianna. Not to take away from your beautiful message but to thank you for putting it into words. It's been 9 years and yet there are days of heaviness and emptiness and yes it does take a breath out of my step a moment of sadness. Just know that God's loving embrace is all around you. Seek and you shall. ...knock and the door shall be opened ...
Love you cousin