I tried to get through Mass today without crying, though I don't know why [probably that responsibility trait], which I did...though I choked back some tears during a few songs. I prayed for my father-in-law's heart to breathe, to find air, to find life.
I am now facing the rest of the day...and I am at a loss.
Tired with sorrow,
tired with grief,
tired with strength.
"Come to me,
all you who labor and are heavy burdened,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you,
for my yoke is easy,
and my burden light."
My heart feels pierced while I try to work to pass the time.
And I thought,
"I thought I had moved on from this.
I though I was healing.
I thought I was moving forward.
I thought I was ready for life,
for what comes next.
But right now, I don't ever want to move forward."
That's not true.
It's not true that I don't want to "ever"
it's just that I didn't think forward
would sting -
I didn't think possibility
would pierce -
forward seems like
leaving something behind,
or lugging it as baggage behind you.
I don't want that.
I want my burden to be light.
I want to carry light.
I want to carry Dan's light with me into the future,
pressing on further into God's light -
(finally) letting him show me the way,
Accepting Dan as light,
recognizing him as light
is when I feel most light,
most loved, most free.
He was so heavy.
When he would sleep,
I swear every part of his body
felt ten times heavier.
He was so grounded,
So "of the earth,"
For that reason, it was hard to imagine him in heaven.
[Not that I thought he'd gone to hell, but where? where could he be?]
Then God showed me Dan,
transformed by love,
receiving his crown for his love.
and this fit.
Transformed Dan: by love, through love -
the corruptible replaced with the incorruptible - LIGHT,
fully formed, at rest, at peace, HOME.
He is not what he was.
He is what we will become -
should we choose the path of transformation and light,
by way of the Cross.