I've spent the last thirty hours disheartened. Upon getting engaged, I started searching for jobs in Tucson. Granted, while TAing, working at ECpE, planning a wedding, and trying to maintain friendships (by being social), the search wasn't intense. (Maybe I should've mentioned working on my Master's project, although that list will give you an idea about why I'm still not finished.) I though I could hit it harder once I got here. I have - but there hasn't been much reaping for all those seeds sown.
Finally, in the middle of July, I had my first interview. Followed by two more the second week. Followed by a second interview. I was excited because this second interview happened to be for a job I deemed my 'dream job.' Not only was I qualified, it's a job that I have wanted to do since a college freshmen! (Any guesses? An Advisor with the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences) I had connections, even! In the end, though, the job was not to be mine.
In the sports arena, I'm okay with second. When it comes to this, though, second place just wasn't comforting. I even wandered into the, "God. WHY? Why is this so hard? What are you doing? Why aren't you working this out? Am I doing something wrong here?? Why am I not enough for Arizona??"
Been there? Me too - usually when a boy has rejected me in the dating arena, though. My mom referred to it as being in the desert - like when the Israelites left Egypt. Yesterday, my prayers turned into, "Please, just show me some sunshine. Speak some words of encouragement to my heart. I need some light to keep walking forward."
Today, the sunshine came.
When we wonder why God is causing us to walk through deserts, we're missing the point and not grasping the character of God. When we wonder why God isn't giving us what our hearts desire, we're missing it. If God is who He says He is, if He can do all things, then why am I not asking Him to bring about another opportunity - and believing He can do it?
You know when you have disappointments, people always tell you 'something better is coming.' In this economy, that can be pretty hard to take. I don't want to wait another month to have a steady income. I am ready now. In the moment of rejection, I want to nurse the sting; I'm not ready to look at my situation with eyes of faith. I'm looking at my situation with self-pity.
Today, though, God reminded my heart, "...if you knew who it was that brought this opportunity, you would ask Him to do it again - and maybe even better...." (a version of Jesus' words to the woman at the well in John 4)
This reminder is not new to me. This is now the third time he's used this phrasing to encourage my heart and direct my steps. Here is an example:
Though Dan and I dated during the summer of 2008, we weren't exclusive by any means. However, we definitely broke up in October 2008. The night of our break-up, I asked God to bring Dan back whenever he was ready - for me, for love, for our path. During our time off, though, I let go of him, trusting that God would bring him back if he was the guy for me - and I also started asking God to bring me 'raspberry pie.'
At Junior High retreat that fall, our speaker likened God's grace to 'chocolate cake' - and stated that God desires to lavish us with chocolate cake (what we think is a divinely delectable dessert/reward, but we don't think God really wants us to have it). For me, chocolate cake wasn't a good picture; I'm not a fan, really. But I looooove pie! Raspberry pie, ironically, was a flavor introduced to me by Dan. I love raspberries, but I'd never had raspberry pie.
Raspberry pie represented to me something that was new, unique, and an adventure but familiar - and something that I knew I would love. No specific person attached - just him whom God knew fit 'raspberry pie.'
Little to my knowing, it happened to be Dan.
Today, I am done wondering why not me and trying to figure out the why. I am asking God for my 'raspberry pie' job here in Tucson - and I believe that He is able and willing to make this happen.
Are you in a situation that you can't see the solution? Have you been trying to figure out what God is doing - or why He's not bringing you out of the desert? Don't be like the Israelites in the desert and grumble against Him and long for what was not good for you (otherwise, He would've granted it), though it was comfortable. Ask God who is able to do more than you can ask or imagine to bring you the dessert, and prepare you to leave the desert and enter the promised land.